It’s another one of those questioning times when I take a step back and look at where am and realize how insignificant I seem, I suppose. Do not worry, it’s not really suicidal, but merely a time when I’m afraid of where I’m supposed to be and where I actually am. It’s hard to explain, but I feel as if what I’m doing is pointless, or at least insignificant to people, perhaps even to myself. I ask myself, “What am I doing here?” Not as a question of what my purpose, but rather what the point of my actions is.
I guess part of it is just the approaching dawn that college brings. Maybe I’m just scared of how different college is gonna be. I’m afraid of maybe losing touch of people I know now. There, I admit it. Am I a loser for being scared? Am I out of the ordinary? Or are there more people, but they perhaps they are all under the impression that we all must put up a front so that we seem so happy and excited to get away and start a new life? I don’t know. It’s just crazy everytime I think about it, but everytime I do, it’s just seems so awesome (in a literal sense of the word), so novel, even so frightening to imagine where I might be next year. I just hope and pray that my life will stay on track.
But it’s not just college, but everything in general. It is as if the world is spinning faster than I can keep up with. One of my fears is I’m not running fast enough to keep up with everything. I don’t really know what to say, but it’s just one of those feelings like the worlds spinning so fast and I’m just caught doing whatever I’m doing, and it just feels like what I’m doing doesn’t mean anything and that I should be doing something else, something bigger, something more significant.
I just feel like I need to know what I’m doing in life. A friend once said, “I wish God would just yell at me and tell me my purpose in life.” I feel the same way. It sounds a bit weird I guess.
I talked to another friend about some of these things, and she made me realize something quite important. Most people don’t do things that are very apparently life changing, but they do little things that impact other people in ways they can’t even imagine. I realized that the world is constantly changing; perhaps I will even feel like I’m being dragged along. I just need to resist conformity, to slow down. People who go through life with the fastest pace oftentimes miss out on the most valuable things. The best thing is to slow down, take a breather, and enjoy life, as it can be so beautiful yet so short at the same time. Isn’t it funny how the best things in life are always the rarest things? (A bit of supply and demand economics for ya.)
Life changes like the seasons. It’s no fun without a little change and something new I suppose. As I said in a previous post, sometimes the best way to go through life is to “go with the flow.” Don’t worry about tomorrow when you can live out today, because tomorrow will worry about itself. God will never send anything that you cannot handle.
I just hope I do not lose my friends. Hopefully, our friendships are strong enough that we never lose touch with one another. The best friends will do anything to help one another, no matter how hard it is or how far apart they are. I hope that will be how we are in the future and that I am a friend like that. I hope I am a good enough friend that others trust me to that extent. Most of all, I hope we all, as a whole, never lose sight of where we are and what we do.